Dear Shelley,

I don’t want to be around my friends and family anymore. The issue is that I am infertile and that seems to be everyone’s business. My husband and I are in the midst of treatment which, it seems, everyone knows about. So, of course, everyone always asks, “How’s it going?” which means, “Did you get pregnant?” Like it’s any of their business. The treatment is not much fun and makes me feel exhausted and embarrassed. I don’t really want to talk about it in a social situation. It’s also hard to be around other women who are pregnant or the babies that everyone is paying so much attention to. I am having lots of doubts about what we’ve decided to do. What can I say to everyone? --Not pregnant

Dear Not Pregnant,

First of all it is important for you to know that you are not alone in the experiences you have written about. It is common for the infertile person to feel like a failure and/or just an object of medical concern to be poked, examined and discussed. Love making becomes a medical procedure and the results are considered acceptable topics of conversation. Then, if a treatment fails, the despair can be overwhelming.

I encourage you to seek a support group or counseling to help with all the issues which can come up. RESOLVE in a national organization which offers group support and information on infertility options. Isolating can have a very serious effect on your marriage and relationships with even close friends and family.

In the mean time, to address your question about how to deal with well meaning friends, it is always better to be honest and clear about your boundaries. You can do that politely by saying something like, “I appreciate your interest but please stop asking about my infertility treatment. It is very stressful and a private issue for my husband and I. I would very much enjoy talking about other interests we share.” You should be able to assume your friends will respect your boundaries. If not, then perhaps you may want to consider how close you would actually like to be to them!

You can send your questions or comments to Shelley at sburns.counseling@earthlink.net