Dear Shelley,

I have been in college for a year and am coming home for the summer. I am sorry to say I am not looking forward to living at home again. I have enjoyed being on my own for this past year and I know my parents will not let me have the freedom I am used to. Theyare pretty strict and won’t like it that I have been doing things they don’t know about. I want to keep my private life private. Am I being unreasonable? --Private girl

Dear Private Girl,

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to want privacy and I don’t think it is unreasonable for your parents to expect to know what’s going on with their children at home. You and your parents are going through a very difficult time in the development of your lifelong relationship. Ask any adult and they will agree that they always feel a bit like they did as a child when they are around their parents! And their parents will sometimes think of themselves as “the grownups” around their adult children! Old parent and child dynamics don’t go away easily because they developed over many years and much intensity. I often say we humans are just wired that way. But we are also wired for growth and change.

I would suggest that you bring up the subject of wanting changed expectations when you get home. Find a good time to talk with them in a mature way without younger siblings present. They do not want to have to justify different rules for you to your siblings while trying to work out something with you. Do not whine! You will be looking for a compromise situation. Forget about wanting it to be like it was while you were away at school! You will be at home and people will notice what you do just as you will notice (and be annoyed?) with what others are doing.

More ideas: Don’t stay home all the time. Get a job, volunteer, get together with old friends. I suspect you could have quite a bit of private time if you can be patient. You don’t have to agree with them to be respectful.

You can send your questions or comments to Shelley at sburns.counseling@earthlink.net