Dear Shelley,

I am 35 and have been dating a woman about my age for one year. I have never been married but my girl friend had a very abusive marriage which ended a couple years ago. She has sole custody of her two children. I am adjusting to having the kids around and am thinking of asking her to marry me. Thebig problem is that none of my family members like by girl friend and have actually been rude to her. I care a lot about my family and don’t know how to feel about this conflict. My family is pretty socially conservative but I thought they would be more open minded.

--Torn

Dear Torn,

I’m wondering why they are not being “open minded” about your choice of mates. Maybe there are some good reasons they are doubtful. I agree that just being rude does not seem like a very productive way to find resolution in a family conflict but I wonder if they see something you don’t. I do see some possible red flags.

First of all, no matter what the history is, “being around” children is very different than being the full time step father. Falling in love with their mother is one thing but the full package is very big. As the step parent you will be the newcomer in the family. As a single parent she must keep her children’s interests first and you would be expected to follow her lead. Many people don’t really think through what it would really be like to take this on. As a step parent myself, I can tell you it is well worth the work but it is definitely not the easy way to have children! Step parent families have a different profile because there is always another parent and their family to deal with. This is true even if the father is “out of the picture” because he leaves a legacy that precedes your involvement.

There is much more to say about step and blended family dynamics, but regarding your own family dynamics I wonder if you and your girl friend need to talk more about the obstacles to your relationship. I find that if you have a clear point of view, your family may feel less of a need to be cautious.