Dear Shelley,

My husband is a fire fighter. He has always felt good about his work but recently I have noticed he seems moody and negative about his relationships at work. And then in the middle of the night after he was on a call, he called home worried about whether our daughter and I were “still safe.” He has never been one to bring his work experiences home. Even when I ask him about his shift he does not talk much about it. His behavior is feeling really strange. Should I be trying to talk more to him about what is going on or just respect his privacy?

--Wondering

Dear Wondering,

I have seen many “first responders” during my years of practice and almost uniformly they would describe themselves as dedicated public servants and able to take what comes their way. That is until they had had too much of seeing suffering and death. The tipping point is usually reached gradually. They say it sneaks up on you. I am hearing that perhaps your husband is getting pretty close to that tipping point.

We are all born with a capacity to feel empathy because our brains contain “mirror neurons” which literally make us experience in our minds others’ experiences. It is not reasonable to expect that we would not be changed by daily seeing people who are experiencing traumatic circumstances. Unfortunately, many police and fire departments and hospitals don’t support processes for the front line staff to debrief after attending to a traumatic event. It is often seen as a weakness to be so human that you experience distress from job related situations.

Symptoms of “compassion fatigue” include: elevated anxiety; being constantly on guard against possible threats to themselves and loved ones; difficulties with sleeping and concentrating; intrusive thoughts and dreams with images from disturbing calls; and avoidance of places, people or events connected with trauma.

If, as it seems, your husband is suffering from some of these symptoms you would be doing him a great favor to talk with him of your concerns and encourage him to seek out support for developing some more effective self care skills. There may be some help available through his work place. There is information on the internet. And getting help from a counselor might be very useful. Let go too long, this syndrome could very negatively affect his professional and personal wellbeing.